Things that aren't going on my CV, but would get me hired in a just universe

Posted by September Blue Saturday, 24 November 2007

I have:

- Chaired a conference panel right after dropping an overhead projector on my thumb (which went numb, then purple, then burst into agonising fiery pain). Kept everyone to time, thought up a question to ask the question-less speaker at the end of the session, and waited until the audience had left the room before slumping against the wall and sobbing.

- Made it from one side of the arts building to the other in 43 seconds with a data projector under my arm.

- Was once in the position of standing in front of the Most Annoying Man on the Planet in the audience after a fancy-pants speaker's talk, and answered his "You MUST let me ask the next question! It is IMPERATIVE that everyone else in this audience hears it!" with a polite "I'm sorry, but Professor Hotshot only has time for three questions," rather than bopping him on the forehead with my microphone.

- Found something constructive to say about a student essay which turned into a paean for a twentieth-century dictator somewhere around page 2.

- Dealt with several delegates' enquiries at a conference evening venue, when I was in the middle of a hugely messy pseudo-breakup with someone. (Literally 'in the middle'. They tapped me on the shoulder.)

- Got Maintenance to fix the large gap in the moveable panelling in one of my classroom walls, which was at one point so big that me and the History guy teaching in the next room could (and did) wave to each other at the start of each class. You think this isn't so impressive? You don't know Maintenance.

- Fixed the stapler. Fixed the other stapler. Fixed the printer. Kicked the photocopier into abashed obedience. Searched for lost wedding rings at a conference, keeping a straight face throughout. Accidentally burnt a hole in a reference list and then put out the embers with the palm of my hand, either because I'm that stupid or because I care that much. Peeled lecherous academics off scared-looking postgraduate students, peeled lecherous postgraduate students off scared-looking academics, and dragged a howling drunk Masters student down a department corridor and into a taxi in the early hours of one morning. Showed Ivy League boys how to dance. Learnt how to stop hating my research. Not gone insane.


  1. francofou Says:
  2. It is IMPERATIVE that everyone else in this audience hears it!

    Tell him, "Learn your subjunctive, and then we'll talk."

  3. francofou Says:
  4. You don't respond to comments? What fun are you?

  5. The, uh, enigmatic kind of fun? Yeah. Enigmatic. We'll go with enigmatic.

    (But seriously, what comment of mine could've improved on that line?)

  6. francofou Says:
  7. Who said anything about improvement?

    I'm ready for enigmatic, although I prefer good, clean silliness.

    All seriousness aside, as Steve used to say, I enjoy your blog.

  8. Aw, now. You've made me come over all shy.

    Silliness awaits, I'm sure...

  9. francofou Says:
  10. I sense that you are awash is silliness; why else write a comment?