After a long, long wait on the other side of a large desk, while people fetched people and those people fetched other people who thought that actually my paperwork had been left with the first set of people anyway, there were things to sign. One of them had the word 'Contract' at the top.
"Oh," said one of the last people, "we need to see your passport."
"But the letter you sent me said -"
"And we can't process this until you give us a P45, either. So when you bring those in we can go ahead."
"But you said - all right, listen. I don't have the passport which you specifically told me you wouldn't need to see until later, which I meant to bring it in anyway and forgot because yesterday was so hectic I didn't even have time to eat lunch before getting the train here last night, and I don't have a P45 yet for the same perfectly standard reason I told you five minutes ago was why I don't have a P45 yet which, by the way, you told me was absolutely fine, and I will get the passport, and I will bring that in, but already today I have to find my new office and meet my new colleagues for lunch and view two flats and try to get to the letting agents before someone else gets the one I want and try to convince my current letting agents that they won't be charging me rent until April, and I have to phone all these people and print off all these things and fill in so many forms, and I'm leaving four jobs I've been doing for years and a lot of people I like and a city I know to move to somewhere that is new and strange and different, and now you are refusing to process the paperwork because I can't give you one thing you already told me you didn't want to see just yet and one thing you know I can't get until March, and I am overwhelmed and exhausted and I have not stopped for days and days and days and now it's raining and my feet are soggy little lumps of melting ice. Please, please, just take the contract."
"Do you have an original birth certificate on you?"
No, HR, I do not have an original birth certificate on me.
Today, I go to put down a deposit on a flat I really really want. I will be bringing my passport.
And a stun gun. I think that's warranted in situations such as these.